Stonewalled
by Ryoko Metallium
Summary: One-shot; Shepard gets an e-mail from a drunk and guilt-ridden Kaidan Alenko


Title: Stonewalled

Author: Ryoko Metallium

**Author's Notes: This is a one-shot that had popped into my head one day after I heard the song "Call Your Name" by Chris Daughtry. I had been wanting to write a short story surrounding Kaiden and Shepard to the song for awhile now. This didn't exactly come out the way that I had originally intended though. Please tell me what you think. **

**Enjoy!**

**UPDATE: Made corrections where needed. Special thanks to Kendoka Girl for the heads up!**

**Disclaimer: Mass Effect is the property of Bioware and EA Inc. I do not own these characters. I am only borrowing the characters. I promise that I will give them back.**

* * *

_And when you fall apart_

_Am I the reason for your endless sorrow?_

_There's so much to be said_

_And with a broken heart_

_Your wall can only go down but so low_

_Can you hear me when I call your name?_

"_Call Your Name" – Chris Daughtry_

The time was 0346 hours.

The Normandy was quiet. It cruised through the outer reaches of the Pylos Nebula, circling the atmosphere over Siano silently and undetected like a phantom. Majority of the crew had already retired to their quarters. That wasn't including people like Joker who never left the comforts of the cockpit even to sleep or the salarian scientist currently toiling away in the lab one his latest break through. The man could easily pull all-nighters once he got started on a project he couldn't tear himself away from. There were a few members of the crew down in engineering still awake, carrying out the nightshift and making sure that the Normandy maintained its systems.

The only other person that was still awake, unfortunately, was Commander Shepard.

Wide awake, she sat at her terminal wearing an oversized shirt, fuzzy socks and sweats with a long fleece blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Her cabin was completely dark. The only light came from her wide fish tank that radiated off a bright blue glow. She could hear the engines rumbling against her cabin walls with a mesmerizing hum. The hum itself brought a great soothing comfort to Shepard. At times she liked to imagine that it wasn't the sound of bulking machinery she was listening to, but the ship's heartbeat. Like child nestled in protective space of its' mother womb, Shepard too felt safe.

She lounged back in her chair idly, wrapping the blanket closer around her body while her fingers moved back and forth over her keyboard. On her screen, the game _Galaxy of Fantasy_ was playing. Shepard was never much for video games. She never had the time to devote to video game, nor did she possess the attention span. It was only due to the fact that she hadn't been sleeping for the past three nights that Shepard finally found the time to start playing. Her insomnia wasn't anything new. She had been plagued with it long since Eden Prime, maybe even earlier if she thought about it long enough. Dr. Chakwas had given her some pills to take that would help her sleep, but Shepard refused to take them. They always made her feel groggy and useless. Of course, signing herself up for the galaxy's most popular and most addicting game wasn't going to help her sleep either. But at least it gave her something to do in the meantime.

At the moment, she was a level 34 turian space pirate.

Every so often, Shepard would compulsively switch over to her inbox to check if she had received any new messages. It was all mostly junk mail. Most of them were updates that came from Liara's newly acquired bank of information, mainly consisting of random bits of meaningless gossip. Frankly she could care less about the Turian counselor's mistress or who Sha'ira was sleeping with now. She made a mental note to readjust the settings to that VI drone on her next visit and make it stop sending her this crap. There were no new messages from TIM, thank god.

Shepard guessed that even the devil needed some shut-eye too.

There was an update from Anderson. He thanked her for the all information she had forwarded to him about the Collectors and the Reapers. She had gathered a substantial amount since going through the Omega-4 relay, added on with what Liara found in the Shadow Broker's data bank. He wrote back saying that he would present it to the Council, but not to expect it to have much of an impact. He wished her well, told her to come by the Citadel when she had time for a drink. It was a tempting thought, even though their relationship had become strained since she came back.

Hackett had sent her some information about increase of geth activity near Canalus. She made another mental note to consult Legion about it.

She paused her game and started to scroll down through her other messages, deleting those that she no longer needed. Just then, her terminal blipped as a new message arrived in her box. She scrolled up to the top of her page, and a short groan caught in her throat.

Shepard felt an uncomfortable knot start to form in the pit of her stomach, making her queasy. She started to shift anxiously in her seat as she stared at the message, waiting to be open.

It read:

**From: Kaidan Alenko**

**To: Commander Shepard**

**Subject: To the One I Let Get Away**

"Damn it Alenko…" Shepard muttered under her breath as she cupped her mouth with her hand. "You just don't know when to quit, do you?"

In Kaidan's defense, Shepard had stopped being mad at the guy a long time ago. The rage and the bitterness she felt after the now infamous Horizon incident had blistered over into scar with the occasional dull ache. She had regrettably come accustomed to that sharp twinge in her heart whenever she found herself thinking about the last time her and Kaidan last talked. She didn't like to dwell too much on that day, but it always seemed to come to mind at least once a day.

Shepard didn't have to wonder very much how Kaidan was handling their separation since he sent her messages almost on a daily basis. His messages were always written in the same kind of tone. He talked to her about mundane things; how life as a Staff-Commander was treating him, having a crew of his own to look out for, and the sort of missions he had been assigned. He would then switch tones and talk about how he was getting on in life, about his frustrations and how he's had to adjust to the kinds of changes. It seemed like Kaidan was hoping to recapture something he had when he served on the Normandy. Shepard could relate, and even symphonize to a certain extend.

Most of the time, Shepard chose not to read Kaiden's letters. Chambers, as much as her positive attitude annoyed her, was at least considerate enough to give her a heads up about any new messages she received from him. That would give her ample opportunity to debate on deleting them.

Kaidan constantly brought up Horizon where as Shepard was trying like hell just to forget the day never happened. When he wasn't talking about the everyday goings on in his life, his letters would turn into pity parties surrounding his guilt. He said things like '_I miss you Shepard,' 'I screwed up Shepard,' _or her absolute favorite, _'I know that I hurt you Shepard.'_

Just thinking about it made her fist clenched. "All those words and you don't come close to even a faction of the truth, you insensitive jerk."

She didn't say his name anymore; she just couldn't make herself do it. Even after all that happened and all she had accomplished, she still felt hollow and weak. The months had been spent trying to path over the empty place in her life with some kind of normalcy. Strangely that normalcy had turned into haunting places like Omega. Gunning down mercs had become oddly relaxing for her, and there was never a shortage of gun battles on the pirate-ridden station. Her addiction to violence caught the attention of some her crew. Kasumi had once suggested Shepard borrow some of her romance novels in an effort to calm her down, but all that did was have the opposite effect. All it did was made her feel disappointed and irritated. It kept her anger and frustration alive and encourage the idea that romance was just what it was; just a fantasy.

Hesitantly, Shepard pushed aside the knot in her gut and opened the message. She started to read it as soon as it came on screen, wanting to get it over with as soon as possible:

_Shepard,_

_Okay, so picture this: I'm out with the guys at this new bar that just opened up in the wards. It's called Nightlife and it's where Chora's Den used to be. It's not as great as the one on the Zakara ward, but on the plus side they serve hot wings and pizza. So I figured what the hell, and I went out not even expecting to have a good time. I have a few beers and a couple of slices of pizza, and before I know it, I start having fun. I mean, really having fun. I loosened up to the point that I even start dancing._

Shepard's eyebrows shot up. Kaiden Alenko, dancing?

_It felt great! I mean, it felt really really great! It was like I had chains put on me and somebody just set me free. I hadn't felt that good in such a long time and I didn't want it to end. Then I just started dancing with this girl._

Shepard frowned. She didn't like where this was going. It pissed her off enough to read how much fun Kaiden was having without her as well as bragging about it, but this was just making her see red.

_I had seen her around a couple of times on the Citadel working as security in the Presidium. She must have been super drunk, I mean completely bombed because she was just all over me. Before I knew it we were just pawing each other like a bunch of horny teenagers. Eventually she and I ditched the bar and she took me back to her place._

Shepard **really **didn't like where this was going, but she kept on reading.

_We started messing around a bit. She flirted with me, we had a few more drinks, and danced some more and then she asked me if I wanted to stay the night. I thought about it, and then I left. Just like that. Just got up and walked out of her apartment and went back home without saying goodbye or thanks for the drinks. All this happened half an hour ago. Kind of shitty of me I know. You want know why I did that? Because in the back of my mind, I just kept thinking I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be here. That whole time that I was sitting in that woman's apartment, the only thing on my mind was you. I couldn't stay there another minute because I thought about how much it would hurt you._

_I miss you Shepard. I know that I've said that so many times that it probably doesn't have any meaning anymore. I miss you…so much that it hurts. I think about you every minute of every day, but mostly I think about Horizon and what I could've done better. Anything would've been better than how I treated you. I've tried to come up with some way to get you talk to me. I worry about you all time. I know that you're more than capable of taking care of yourself, but I can't help it. I worry that I might never see you again because of what I did. I worry about what you have to face out there and how I should be there with you. But mostly, I worry about your soul._

"My soul?" Shepard wondered aloud.

_Anderson told me once that you working with Cerberus is one of those 'necessary evil' type of things. I get that, I truly do. But at the same time, I can't help but think that there had to have been a better way. I know that the Council can be frustrating to deal with, but how does working with the Illusive Man any better? I remember the woman I loved Shepard, and what worries me the most is the chance he'll turn you into something…something that's not you. I don't want to start an argument about this. I just wish…I just wish that things were better. I know that it hasn't been the best between us and I want to make it right. Just meet me half way, Shepard. If there is even the slightest chance that I can fix a small part of what we had, then I want to take it. _

_Please, be careful. And please talk to me soon._

_Kaidan_

For once, Shepard was speechless. Her mind was a blank. She couldn't think of the proper response to such a letter. This one was different from the others. This one sounded more desperate; each word was laced with guilt. Shepard ventured to guess that Kaidan must have been coming down from his buzz when the message was sent. Drunken people had the tendency to speak their minds about things they usually don't speak aloud.

Sighing, she turned on her keyboard.

_Kaidan,_

_My soul is fine. It's just not complete right now. _

_I miss you too._

_Shepard_


End file.
